| "inside the box is my heart" |
[ 12/20/04 @ 11:44pm ] |
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mood |
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music |
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christmas music |
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so it's my 22nd christmas. and for about the last 6 or 7 of them ive gotten depressed. for various reasons. i thought i was gonna be ok this year but no something new happened and then it triggers all the other emotions. the reasons why i get depressed every christmas are probably the same as everyone else. one is the top reason; i have no special someone to share this holiday with and every other song and movie and whatever about this time of year makes you feel sad about that. i havent had a real boyfriend ever. and im almost 22 years old. so sometimes i feel like there might be something wrong with me or theres something wrong with all the guys in the world. but i know either isnt true... other times i get frustrated either with other people that lose sight of the true meaning of christmas and get all wrapped up in presents and other wordly things (no pun intended) and other times i find i too lose sight. and that frustrates me even more. cause i know better. this year i was doing fine. but then the realization that my brother and his girlfriend would need somewhere to sleep when they came to visit. my parents turned my brothers old room into my room and my room into my dads office shortly after my brother left. they werent planning ahead for when he visited. when they realized that he would need somewhere to sleep when he visited they decided to buy a futon in place of a couch and would have him sleep in the living room. but then he got a girlfriend and they think it would be akward for her to sleep in our living room. so they think o we can put them in ashley's room because who cares where she sleeps. the first time around i ended up housesitting so i really couldnt argue it but this time theres no way im sleeping at someone elses house on christmas eve. so i put up a fight. mostly because i dono how anyone else feels but heres my feeling since after all this is my journal where i share my thoughts, i strongly disagree with an unwed couple sleeping in the same bed. i dont hate my brother or his girlfriend but i dont have to agree with their actions. and the thought of them in MY bed is VERY uncomfortable. so i expressed this to my parents thankfully my mom took my side eventually but only because she asked some of her friends what they thought. and she bases a lot of her thoughts and actions on how other people live their lives. but my dad of course thinks i'm being selfish and he doesnt really care about how i feel. he even tried to guilt me by saying i could sleep with my mom and he would sleep in the living room. but considering that wasnt the point i didnt go for that. neither did my mom for that matter. so anyway they are going to sleep in the living room but i still cant shake that feeling like my parents like my brother better than me or something. i know this seems like im so dramatic and this is stupid but im not such a normal person. on another note im having a party on thursday. the majority of times i have a party i have about a 25% turn out from who i invited. but we will see. on a good note there is a possibility that my mom, dad, brother, and brothers girlfriend might come to the christmas eve service at my church. and so im praying God does something in all of their hearts and in mine. i really need just a refreshing spirit. i cant let things get to me anymore. i just need to look to God for joy and peace. i need to have faith. well im praying things look up. i only work 1 day this week (tomorrow) i nanny from 630 till 1130 and then work at the portrait studio from 4 till 7 or 8. and then i have wednesday thru sunday off from both jobs so i get a little bit of a vacation, which will be nice. the play is over too and theres no youth group this week so i like have a real vacation. no commitments. its amazing. so i will hopefully get lots of rest. and hopefully i wont get sick cause that seems to happen every year too. maybe due to stress. so im trying not to be stressed. everything will be ok. well merry christmas everyone and God be with you.
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show me how you do it & | 2 | i'll run away with you.
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[ 11/09/04 @ 03:48pm ] |
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so i lied about posting pictures of halloween cause im too lazy and i only come on here if im incredibly bored. if you wanna see they are on my myspace though. well like 2 of them. like it matters im just babbling cause im bored. ummm... yah life is normal thats all kay bye.
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i'll run away with you.
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ivonlyjustbegun's journal
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